To. The. Stage

10:04 AM

Love is patient, love is kind, love never ends.

We all have words we live by, but in times like these when even the air I breathe seems unsure, I don't know what to believe. These passed few months have been a ride. I don't know if that's a good thing exactly. I've been on something nearly everyday of the last few months. Some days have been gloomy, others over the top gorgeous. And to have shared all this with you makes my heart warm. Its the little things that always count.

But now I realise that I have been the only one compromising. I've been the only one accomadating you, and you've never indulged me, not in the slightest bit, and I feel cheated. These days we fight over the littlest things that come out of nowhere. I go through one bad spell after another, waiting for that good streak that comes along and makes me fall deeper. Today the sun is not out, last night's raindrops cling to my window pane. Knowing you aren't with me, and you're somewhere out there, roaming, hurts me. Knowing that you slept in the park while it rained last night, breaks my heart.

I hate the fact that I care so deeply for you despite the hurt. The fact that you return no concession to what I give you so freely. I hate the fact that I take the backseat all the time and its your opinion that always matters first. I hate the fact that we always do what you want to do. The fact that we give in to your every whims and fancies at my expense. I hate the fact that you can do something to screw us up so bad and then make it look like it was my fault. I hate that despite all that, I love you.

Wouldn't that mean we're in a bind now?

Sunday, April 12, 2009
~Jenny

4:04 AM

Upon return.

I have discovered that my heart has moved homes.

Upon the New Year,

I have realised that I spectate, perhaps too much.

Upon revelation,

I think perhaps this isn't what I am cut out for.

The year 2009 as I have feared, has reared its ugly head. Another year. Another journey, another opportunity? My thoughts flow seamlessly, carefully transitioning from one to another. Effortlessly confusing me and complicating situations. My mind seems imprisoned and struggling. I am struggling. To cope, to understand, to tolerate. As a new life is pending to begin for me, I foresee an ending. And I have too much on my plate to be dealing with anything else. Don't ask me whats on my mind, my answer might knock you over. In this bright new year, this distance is darkness.

Saturday, January 10, 2009
~Jenny

1:21 PM

Of final days and vacant eyes.

On a morning that I should have woken up feeling awful and nauseous, I awake at noon physically perfect. As the cold invades the air outside, I am clad in pajama pants and warm socks. I had the best sleep anyone who went to sleep at 5am, drunk could ask for. I wake up, wrapped in my blanket, my eyes flutter open, in the manner of a Disney princess. I linger in bed for a moment, for fear that if I got up, my headache would attack. For a moment, I sit and enjoy how the sun colours my bedroom red through the curtains. I slowly sit up, cautious. Nothing. I feel perfectly fine. I think, 'perhaps I didn't drink as much as I thought I did'. The scent of morning coffee and vanilla pervade the room. As the events of the night before run through my head, I smile and then it hits me. Those last few images before my eyes shut, before the warm drive home. How I felt a pain I never imagined I could feel. The words I said that brought tears to his eyes. As I decide to get out of bed, something washes over me. A dull throbbing pain that numbs my body. Right in the pit of my chest, something is set flame. It burns, strong and hard. It hurts. Its too late to go back to bed, definitely too late to try to go back to sleep. I had left that shelter, I was now raw and exposed. I wake up to a pain greater than any hangover, greater than any injury. Tears brim once again to my virgin morning eyes and as I try to fight this pain I reach out because I'm not capable of dealing with this. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to leave him. I never want to see tears in his eyes again. His beautiful blue eyes. I never want to hear him apologising through his tears again. I never want to feel him wipe my tears away again. I never want to feel that way again. Metaphorically I am loading my gun, checking its crevaces, tightening what I need to. I deal with this, the only way I know how. I'm shaking as tears flow seamlessly down my cheeks. I've been expecting this, I've known it was coming. Yet the pain is still every bit as startling. In my mind, I wrap my short fingers around the cold gun, gradually lifting it. I pull it to my temple and I close my eyes. For a moment, I am vacant of emotion, my eyes flash blank. For a moment I am liberated. My eyes reel open as the gun falls to the ground. I am bleeding. Am I infected. It has now been an hour since I woke up and I wish I never had. You should know that the darker the X, the warmer the gun will be. Today is the day I awoke with a broken heart.

Sunday, December 07, 2008
~Jenny

11:42 PM

Tales of yearning and distortion.

Alright, I've got two major mid-terms this week and I really ought to be studying. In fact is I've been doing nothing but studying, I figured I should rest my brain and revert back to old patterns of My Chemical Romance, The Used and feeling 15 again. I remember when we were 15, I recall Edward Scissorhands and afternoons filled with jazz. I remember you, I always will. As the months slowly melt away, the thought of being able to see you again makes my heart swell. Its been way too long darling.

So I've indulged for a tick and decided to come on here and spill my guts a little. I've been crazy insanely busy, for those of you who wonder. Doing the whole 'perpetually broke starving college student working 2 jobs' thing. Its been exhilarating, we all know how I feel about keeping profitably busy. I leave Houston in a little under 2 months, I leave boy in a little under 2 months. Somehow after nearly 7 years, these wounds are torn open and feel ever so fresh again. Somehow I find myself back in the situation of having to say goodbye, with the airport and the tears. This time I'm the one who finds myself leaving on a jetplane. I've been keeping quiet about it, I didn't want it to seem like I would let something like this compromise my future, but now I figure, instead of sitting around and waiting for this certain impending doom so to speak, I might as well put it out. Maybe it'll seem less aggravating out loud, than sloshing around in my noggin.

Sometimes I lose sight of myself when I'm in his arms, when my fingers trace his lashes. For those brief instances, I find myself suspended in some sort of timeless animation. When application, phonecalls, bank balances, school and work aren't an issue. I wonder to myself, how I got so lucky. What did I do to deserve such comfort with someone. What did I do to deserve to simply 'fit'. I wonder why.

Don't get me wrong, I've come to accept the fact that my life pretty much boils down to picking up moving along, settling down, assimilating, falling in love with places, people- then being violently yanked away and made to do the same thing over again, just somewhere else, with someone else. Settling into a pattern is almost forbidden. Thats life no?

So as I hop from one island of happiness to another, I try to avoid falling into the shark infested waters that surround me. With all these transitions that come and go, you have always been that unobvious constant.

As you remember, I do too. I remember standing outstide the bathroom stall consoling you while you cried about your B in Geography when I had failed. I remember the way you remember all the tiny details. I remember how you'd hold my hand when we'd walk down the street. I remember all the silly things we've done.

Let me just put it this way, saying goodbye to love makes it almost worth it, when I know that it means seeing you again.

Sunday, October 19, 2008
~Jenny

11:59 AM

oh, shizzazle.

Saturday, September 20, 2008
~Jenny

10:20 PM

The one with the hurricane and blushing.

As most of you know, Hurricane Ike hit us on Friday night. Angry winds blew and rain not only mercilessly poured, it pillaged several trees, fences as well as the neighbour's chimney. As unfortunate as all these events were, we're okay. Meaning Ranima, Ana, Minky and I. All is well at home save the back fence and the banana tree. The only thing we really lost Friday night was sleep. Oh and electricity. Saturday night, after kidnapping of the birthday girl, we were able to resume our Hurricane/Mischa's Birthday party. Which was surprisingly enjoyable considering there were 8 hot, sweaty, hungry people in an apartment with no electricity and no means to cook anything. Eventually after trawling the streets of dangling traffic lights and fallen street lamps for food, we only managed to find an extremely crowded gas station that was strictly 'Cash Only'. Instead of buying more chips which we did not need, we got Micsha's cigarettes and charged our phones. Bless Tim's heart for driving 4 very un-straight, boisterous young ladies about in the likes of deserted, disorderly 1960, 290, 249 and Barker Cypress.

Eventually the ladies and I ripped two chickens to pieces and prepped them for grilling. Though at this point we were not aware that we had a grill but no coal, which in turn ended up in Nikkii's SAT book in shreds and a huge hairspray flame on the patio. 5 pieces of chicken were prepared, the rest didn't get a chance seeing as to how anyone who'd attempted to cook came back in teary eyed and coughing. 'Never have I ever' was played, which turns out to be a game you use to find out just how slutty someone really is. We eventually got to bed after several hours of silly games. The windows were open for a while, afterwhich it started to rain and had to be shut. Mosquitoes somehow still managed to get into the room and repeatedly bite me on the ass though. Not so fun.

A very quick unanimous decision was made in the morning about going to IHOP for breakfast. Well it was more like this, I woke up, put on Shane's T-shirt and told her, "We are going to IHOP this morning, if you say no I will kill you and eat you" - everyone pretty much jumped on board after that. IHOP could have possibly been the one restaurant open and serving hot food, no doubt they had one thing on the menu and they made you pay at the door. Turned out that a good hot plate of eggs and hash browns was just what everyone needed, bitchy, tired faces were once again replaced with delerious, giggling ones.

There's something liberating about chaos. Among all those dangling traffic lights and broken/ collapsed trees/lamp posts, I found myself having an out of body experience (which was probably a bad idea seeing as to how I was driving and all) I looked around to see my friends, barely clothed, looking and smelling filthy. Dirty fingernails and splashing in puddles (or rather being a whimp about walking in a puddle with fresh fire ant bite wounds and being carried over the puddle) I looked around at all of us, and the general public and thought to myself, how much more gracious and understanding the crisis made people. All that disaster and devastation brought out the kindness in people we fail to see on a day to day basis. Its amazing how being with the right people at the right time can put you in much needed perspective, and as the afternoon sun began to emerge from behind the clouds that littered the sky, it became harder and harder to believe it had ever rained at all.

Monday, September 15, 2008
~Jenny

11:11 AM

Tuesday, August 05, 2008
~Jenny

8:03 PM

Hallo, most adorable dog on the planet.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008
~Jenny

2:26 AM

Alright, for a moment, ignore my fat stubby fingers.
Pshh, and Gloria thinks I should have gotten the Choos.
Pppshh pshh pppshhh!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
~Jenny

12:16 AM

I have to be up at about 5am, but here I sit, tippety typing away.

I have settled in marvelously and my room is spotless as usual. Well it does get messy on rare occasion, during which I begrudgingly put things away. Well, begrudging on the outside, joyous on the inside, I love tidy rooms. On an entirely different note, need new chair, this one hurts my bum.

You know you've done too much shopping when you find your shopping bags full of stuff sitting in your closet untouched. Usually I'm so anxious after buying something that I can't wait to get home, crack it open and use it. This time however, they've all just been sitting there, I tossed them in the closet and shut the doors (because I have open closet door phobia). I went through stuff I bought today, and discovered very cute pairs of underpants, a lovely silk dress and various Body Shop goodies. I am still very disturbed by the inaccuracy of the French phrase rhinestoned into the bum of this one pair of undies. I mean, I'm no French aficionado, but it is bothersome nonetheless. It is a saving grace that I will never naturally be able to contort my body to read whats on my bum. Plus, it had me at black silk and lace, hello!

I am contemplating taking Holga out with us tomorrow, but I'm not too sure if that is a good idea. She loves the sun, but I don't want to run the risk of her melting!

That all aside, things have been slow. I've been staying in and doing little things around the house that makes mummy happy. I also periodically take out my birthday shoes and talk to them. I smile at them and thank my lucky stars that they fit since they were a gift and ordered online. Oh black satin, I'll love you forever.

Well its 1230am and it sounds as though the boys are back from the midnight tuna run at the supermarket. I'm off to bed and to enjoy the finer things in life. Such as memory foam mattresses.

Night, Love.

Friday, June 13, 2008
~Jenny

3:04 PM

The Birthday Post.

As I sit here, nibbling on tiny forkfulls of leftover ice-cream birthday cake and flipping through the paper, I settle into a glass of wine and exhale. So I'm not too pissed off, upset, bitchy, heartbroken or all of the above this year to write the Birthday Post. In fact, I am doing pretty darn good this summer.

I spent the last few moments of my teenage life watching P.S: I love you, with my brother, being very unimpressed with how mediocre the movie was and singing "Teenage Dirtbag" in my head. (My love for Gerard Butler is no way reflected by my feelings for this shit movie, in all its sweet glory)

I have no tales of getting older, no advice for younglings and no regrets to this point. The one thing I've known, if not learned is to love. Love like its religion. If you have no religion, love like its not religion. Because, we all make mistakes, we all do stupid things, we all cry, we all hurt. The last thing we need is more hate, and people walking around thinking they're better or worse off. We're all the same, but we all love different.

Introspection aside. I miss Gloria like a crazy monkey without Bananas. She's smack dab in the middle of her exams and moving (again!) so our conversation as remained reduced to offline messages on Msn as well as the occasional text. For example, random ones I send her saying, "Sitting down to Riverdance now, Whee! Thought of you" and random ones she sends me saying, "Woot! Satriani is coming to Sydney!" We are as random as we are racially different. As we push full speed ahead to 10 years of blissful friendship, we may not talk as much as we'd like or see each other at all for years, but I couldn't ask for a better best friend in the whole wide beautiful world.

I realise that this Birthday post, doesn't really dwell on the birthday itself, so I shall now reconvene. I spent my birthday shopping. I wanted a day to myself, to shop in peace, with funding of course. This resulted in a very dolled up, excited me, in incredibly non-shopping heels and M street, in all its wonderful glory of tiny shops, designers and pretty people. I discovered this charming little 'hole in the wall' vintage store that I instantly fell in love with. It underground nature and its tiny novice appearance made it all the more endearing. The only problem was that it was chocked full of beautiful dresses, pins, jewels and books that I didn't know where to start or end for that matter. But the dresses made me squeel, gasp and whimper all out loud because they were gorgeous. My odd behaviour did not phase others around me because they were all taken by my splendid looking shoes in all its black ribbony tie up glory and they could stop to care that the owner of the feet that were in those shoes was behaving like a lunatic.

Moving along. I spent the rest of the afternoon groping Manolos and Louboutins and whispering sweet nothings to them. Those two men and I had a very good time. I'd find myself exhaling "Hello Christian!" in manner of Satine everytime I spotted red soles. All in all it was a marvelous birthday.

I've pretty much been happier than a teenage boy watching Aerosmith's 'Crazy' video.

Sunday, June 08, 2008
~Jenny

12:48 AM

Oh Eastern Time, how I love you.

As bubble messages go back and forth, I feel my cheeks redden. I am back in adventure land and as much as being away from Texas land saddens me a teeny tiny bit, I am much much liking being back on the East Coast. I love the greens and blues and I absolutely love being able to cycle and walk to galleries and craft stores. I love how thrift stores and flea markets lurk around street corners. I love being able to sit around the bookstore fountain in the sunny afternoons, listen to the buskers, read my book and have lunch. Cos' I love the way you call me 'Baby'.

Even the super market is super exciting and artsy. I really love how its tiny and original with their healthy alternatives. I like how they are so Vegan, Vegetarian friendly. Yes, I do realise I am raving on about a supermarket.

Among all this rich clarity I stop to think. I wonder why I keep labouring under a misapprehension. Why do I bother trying. Why do I accept all this. Its because I care. I don't say I believe in something and then act otherwise. I am only human, I make mistakes, lots of them. Are you not as well? I carry on loving you and caring for you the same way I have from the beginning, thats not going to change, no matter if its not reciprocated. I don't harbour the same hatred and anger that you seem to. I never hold your mistakes against you and thats how I know I'm better. Neither of us are perfect, but if you'd like to carry on this war, go ahead just do it without me. I'm done.

So Howard Sherman is having a showing at The American University here in D.C on the 31st. I figured since I haven't seen him or his work since the studio visit in Fall '07 I should pop in and check out the progress.

I am lush full of ideas for Summertime pieces, they're brimming I need to write them down somewhere. Aside from messiness from not properly unpacking and tidying, I am all well. My tag box's inactivity tickles me sometimes. I mean, I know I write these for a non-existent audience, but you don't actually have to go prove it! Also, on side note. Hurrah for museum internship job volunteer thing thing being on its way. Being occupied makes me feel happy and useful. Also, M Street awaits my arrival. I now have an excuse to run into town.

I am too dedicated to keeping phone dates, for my own good. Je suis fatigué. J'ai besoin de sommeil.

All my love.
x

Wednesday, May 28, 2008
~Jenny

2:17 AM

Alalalalah, life is beautiful.

Saturday, May 17, 2008
~Jenny

2:03 AM

Cos' I love the way you say Good Morning.

My bedroom is war-torn. I currently looks like a moving truck barfed in here. Though some people may have no problem with this ordeal, I however am having immense difficulty dealing with this. I am not used to having to step over things in order to get around my room. I like things neat, clean. I can't put things away just yet, because I still need them. On the other hand, I need to pack everything! And thats tough because not being able to leave a lot of stuff behind results in very heavy bags and excess baggage. Poo!

On the plus side, cute mouse-like Christian boy won Project Runway. No I don't watch the show and I know I'm very backward. I remember seeing him a while back and thinking how cute and mouse-like he was and today I was at the hairdressers and reading magazines. I saw a picture of mouse man looking very happy with a giant check. Yay!

I am seeing Liam tomorrow for handcuffed mall trawling. He is wunderbarr in manner of accompanying me to mall and being opinionated about clothes and not rolling his eyes when I squeal about shoe loving. Also in manner of actually giving a rat's ass when I tell him that the Victoria's Secret Semi Annual sale has begun. Hurrah for straight "~~gay~~" 'boy - friends'. You know what I mean. Bloody hell.

Now that I am here, I shall talk about Ingrid Michaelson's prettiness. You'd think that someone named Ingrid would look like someone named Ruth. But no. Very pretty. In all her watermelon eating glory. She is gorgeous, in a 'put her in a box and look at her all day' kind of way. For the record, her voice is as lovely as her face and her song makes me sing, smile and sway. Three very good S'es if you ask me.

I know right?!

How lah, room like his. Sure cannot sleep tonight wan. Its a shame that I'm such a sentimental schmuck. I still have that page in my notebook where Santhiyaa wrote "Clowns or Ghoulies", a question I still evade by the way. Its true, I am going to become a Karang Guni woman. I have no idea how one should spell that by the way. I am off to sleepy land soon. My chemical soaked eyelids are tired. Scrubs first then beddy beddy. Night. Love.

I miss I miss I miss.

You.

Friday, May 16, 2008
~Jenny

5:21 AM

Very wise was he.

I am done with school for the next few months. Hurrah for sodding American school system. Its about 4.24 am. I am hiccuping with mad skillz and Nature Boy-ing my early morning away. New CD buying time is looming. I know in this day and age, you'd wonder why one would buy CDs when everything is so readily available on the internet. I choose to buy it because. I own every one he's ever put out, which is not a whole lot, but they are all marvelous nonetheless. He is insanely talented, with vocals so smooth it can make butter melt. Yes, butter. With no help from the microwave.

I have been sitting in a bit of a funk today, I don't really know why. Hell yes I do. I need a hug. Poo. I talked to a police man today, he was sort of brash, but in a "I am looking out for your safety so I have to be abrasive and stand-off ish" sort of way. He was nice, answered my silly questions while I was high off Sour Skittles. Which are the Dalai Lama of tiny sour candy by the way. Shucks, I wish totally independent existence was possible. It would be nice to never need anyone for anything, anytime.

God bless Nat King Cole, rest his soul. As well as Patrick Wolf, may he remain fashionably pale and skinny today, tomorrow and forever. Things have been pretty chirpy chirpy around me of late, which is a good thing I suppose. I haven't had a decent conversation with Gloria in ages. I feel my insides deteriorate as time passes. (She's the practical, logical one of the two of us, so I have to be the Drama-Mama one who says her insides deteriorate without the other) In any case, good things are happening too. I get to have a haircut soon! Daddy is coming to town! I get to dress up for an actual occasion! I have discovered fancy convertibility options I never knew about on this bra I've had for a while. Oh yes, and Summer summer summer! (Sorry Glor, I know that means Winter winter winter for you /hugg!)

I shall treat myself tomorrow to something I've been wanting to do for ages, but have always missed the opportunity for. Anyhow, Je suis fatigue. Je suis hors sulk d'aller dans un coin*. Yes, I am proving that I did learn a thing or two in Natali Leduc's lovely class. Hippies can teach French. They can also teach you how to melt records into lovely little bowl things to keep your change, balls of yarn or teeth etc. Gosh my French teacher was awesome, aside from her mean-ness grade wise. :)

* I am tired. I'm off to go sulk in a corner

Saturday, May 10, 2008
~Jenny